I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
