I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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