Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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