I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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