i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
