K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
