hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
