i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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