A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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