You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
