I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
