Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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