she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
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That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
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