Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
