Just fell off a train. Bad.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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