Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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