I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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