Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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