We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
