guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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