I want you more than these girls want KFC
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
