she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
