I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
