Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
