my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
