Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
