And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
