i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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