I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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