theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
