So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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