And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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