i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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