I looked at my own cervix.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
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You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize