the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
