The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
