cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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