It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
