i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
