We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
