My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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