I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
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