put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Randomize
