God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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