You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
