Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
