it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
