i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
