The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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