Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
