i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
