just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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