I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
