My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
