My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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