got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
