Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.