Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
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... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
This is the high leading the old right now
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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