I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
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I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
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So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong