: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.