Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
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His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
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I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.