So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
