i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
